I've always loved this song, and I suggest you listen to it while reading this post. It'll help you to understand my thoughts.
The first time I heard it, I was listening to a Dixie Chicks CD I'd gotten some birthday around the time we lived in our biggest house. I loved country music growing up. I think I loved it only because no one else did, and I wanted to prove them wrong. Later, I heard the Fleetwood Mac version and the Stevie Nicks original and felt the same familiar love. Unlike a lot of things though, I always knew why I loved it.
When I first heard it, I think it was mainly for the shimmering snowy imagery. As I got older and heard it again, I would come to associate it with the fond memories I have of snow-days. Eventually I'd actually listen to the lyrics. For a while I would assume it was about heartbreak, about having loved and lost. Now, I'm finding new meaning.
It's about growing up.
I never understood that until now. "Time makes you bolder. Even children get older, I'm getting older too." I mean, this whole time, I've always missed the point. Yes, change is hard. I've been going through periods of abrupt change, one after the other, for so long that I wasn't even comprehending that there could or would ever be a time when things were stable. It's so hard to see what your life could be when you're in the midst of turmoil.
I'm thinking about going to a technical school instead of my current University. This is a big deal for me, because I've always assumed I would get a bachelor's degree at the very least. I always equated degrees with success. I am finding that I've built my life so far on things that it can't continue to stand on.
I've built my life on defiance, anger, grief, and pain for too long. The past couple of years, I've been trying to hold on to love as an anchor, but I need to let it envelope me. I need to see my reflection and love it. I need to interact with everything and everyone, including myself, with a loving attitude. It's the self-love that's the tricky part.
The line "Can the child within my heart rise above?" is of particular interest for obvious reasons, I think. I recall and empathize with my inner child in previous posts and re-visit her every day now. I meditate and do yoga to help myself get in control of how she presents herself. I am always asking myself that question, because I am always trying to cope with PTSD. I'm always wondering if she can do it.
The thing I've come to realize, though, is that it's no longer helpful to differentiate between us. I need to stop looking at my past as this beast that a smaller, less experienced and ready, less capable and willing me has to battle alone. I am the sum of her and all her parts past present and future. I am myself, there is no "we". I am the only person in my body, the only one with control over my actions and emotions and I have to take charge and make my actions feed positive emotions. The little hummingbird can't handle it alone, it's time to embrace the strength I do have and take pride in the adult I am becoming. Like I said, though, it's the self-love that's the tricky part.
Today was a bad day. Last week I had a great day. I'm sure tomorrow will be different also. I just need control and light and love.
So, my mantras for later are of the same.
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